As I mentioned previously, I used to be happy, almost proud of my mode of conception and supported its use until I had children of my own. Once I had come to the realisation that what it in fact did do to me and also my own children, I started a downward spiral.
The problem is once you have realised the terrible pain and loss that yourself and your own children have and are suffering it makes it difficult to be happy about your conception. Simply because the more distress it causes you the more you think about it and the more you think about it the more pain it produces. Hence the catch 22 and the never ending cycle.
Sometimes I wish I was still back in my happy little conception world where I was oblivious to the problems and loss it had caused. To be naïve about it and continue on life’s little path not paying much attention to it at all. But I know I can never go back there.
It would be nice to follow a more Buddhist philosophy with regards to suffering in this context, in that I should not feed the fire that causes the burning. As in some way the suffering can be seen as being self-induced due to the emotions I put into it even though I am in a situation not of my own choice. However, to do so would be to also extinguish the concept of family and kinship which is so central to our whole society and our own humanity.
