Usually I try and talk about the experiences of offspring
from a collective perspective and as a bloke I don’t usually like talking about
my own feelings. Perhaps these things make us vulnerable which is something we
don’t like. However, today, not sure whether it is the mood I am in, but I
thought I’d discuss this issue from my perspective because it is a question
that many people wrangle with when discussing access to identifying information
on our fathers.
So what do I want from him?
No I do NOT want his money. This is a concern many donors
and people have in the community. I am an adult now, I don’t need child support
payments and I really couldn’t care less about any claims to his estate. If my
father was worried about that I would be happy to sign a document preventing
any such claim. My search has never ever been about money and I have never
heard another offspring talk about money either. Any talks about money are
incongruous and spurious, and just plain scaremongering. Additionally he is
protected by law here in South Australia anyway.
What I do want is acknowledgement that I exist. That I am a
person. That I am his son by blood, just as any other children he has had are
equally his due to the same biological fact.
I want to know who he is so that I can know who I am. The
identity questions. What he looks like? What is my heritage, where does my
family come from? Who is the rest of my family, my siblings, my grandparents
etc? I want to know the rest of my family. I want to know what are his likes
and dislikes, what are his vocation and education. I have so many traits that
do not fit in with the family I currently have knowledge of, at times I feel
like I don’t belong and this is something that has bothered me my entire life –
this lack of a concrete foundation.
I want to know what my familial medical history is. What is
potentially in store for me, what do I need to look out for. I am concerned
also for my own children.
I want him to know that his decision to sell off a plastic
specimen cup for a few bucks almost 40 years ago has caused me immense emotional
pain and that as a father myself I see that as akin to abandoning a child. It
is something I could never do. That his decision to sell me has prevented me
from being a part in my sibling’s life and theirs in mine, and that this hole
that has been created can never be filled. I want him to know that the fact
that I cannot give him and his side of my family and everything associated with
it to my own children, that his decision does not affect only his son but his
grandchildren too. The fact that my children are innocent collateral damage troubles
me no end.
Do I want a relationship with him? That is a difficult
question. You cannot force a relationship on anyone. He might not want one. We
might not even like each other. In an ideal world it would be nice to see and
speak to each other and then he could even see his grandchildren grow up. But I
am under no delusions about such situations.
My father should have no reason to fear me. I do not seek to
turn his life upside down. I do not seek anything from him that should be too
burdensome for him. The main thing I want from him is compassion. The rest
would follow.
