The following is a blatant rip-off of the Adoption Reconstruction Phase Theory as put forth by J Penny, LD Borders and F Portnoy in their article “Reconstruction of adoption issues: delineation of five phasesamong adult adoptees” which appeared in the Journal of Counselling and Development, 2007. I happened across this theory due to my good friend at the Declassified Adoptee who had posted the list. There was a lot that resonated in there for me if I simply substituted some words like adoptee for those that are relevant to the donor conception community. I don’t think that everyone would fit with all components in each stage (I certainly didn't), however, I think that the underlying theme would certainly be prevalent.
1. No Awareness/Denying Awareness (Ignorance Is Bliss): The donor
conceived has a sense of obligation and gratitude toward the raising parents.
There is no overt acknowledgment of donor conception issues. Donor conception
is considered a positive influence on the donor conceived's life.
2. Emerging Awareness (Curiosity Killed the Cat): The donor
conceived views donor conception as a positive influence on his or her life and
also recognizes some donor conception issues (e.g., has curiosity about genetic
family, yearns for closeness, experiences a void, has a sense of not belonging)
but is hesitant to explore these issues.
3. Drowning in Awareness (Mad as Hell): The donor conceived
has feelings of anger, resentment, and sadness about the conception. The donor
conceived is focused on losses in donor conception, as well as anger toward the
raising parents, donor, and/or the fertility treatment system.
4. Reemerging From Awareness (Rising From the Ashes): The donor
conceived recognizes the losses in donor conception and problems with the fertility
treatment system but also recognizes the gains from donor conception. The donor
conceived is attempting to bring acceptance and integration to donor conception
issues.
5. Finding Peace (Let It Be): The donor conceived has worked
through donor conception issues and feels at peace about donor conception or is
moving toward peace.
I am not sure exactly what is meant in stage 5 by the authors
– I’ll have to go and read their paper to find out, but I don’t know that it
necessarily means that a person is completely ok with adoption or donor
conception just that they have moved on and stopped allowing it to negatively
impact on themselves as occurs in some of the earlier stages. So if it was me I
would probably reword the last stage a little more than just substituting words
as I have done.
But here is the question: If you work through all of these
stages and you can acknowledge the losses that occur, should you just let it be
as is suggested in stage 5? Or should you try and do something about it through
advocacy or education or whatever, not necessarily for yourself but to help
other adoptees or donor conceived people so that they don’t have to suffer as
great a loss as you did? For me personally that would give me greater peace
than just ‘letting it be’.
