Thoughts of donor conception practices from a donor offspring whose views changed dramatically once he had children of his own. This event has lead me on a quest to find my true identity, heritage, family health history and genetic relations (both donor and siblings), for myself and for my children.
When I was in college in California I did three treatments and donated my eggs which were successfully retrieved each time. My goal then and I still stand by it is that I helped three different couples start their families. Read my lips I am not a mother but an egg donor who gave life. There simply is no need for anyone to get to know me and my family. Luckily I moved back to my homeland after college and no one back home ever knew what I did. I am sick of you people trying to make donors establishing relationships with strangers who should be supportive of their families. I have since gotten the agency to give me all of my information and I have promptly destroyed it as I was able to request this six years after my donation ended. I have never told a living soul about this and I never will. Now to be fair to all when I asked for the files I updated the medical files fully so there can be no lingering questions later. I do not want to know the children if they request this at a later date. They belong with their families and I belong with mine. And let me anticipate your smart alecky answer, no they are not my children and never will be. And let me further state there is no longing need in my soul to know the children or their families. Who would have thought a kind act to help infertile couples would come back to haunt me later on.
PeedOff, it's true that when donations began, they were just donations, but now they are grown up people who are curious about their heritage. And to think that all donors feel the same way you do on this subject is a little far fetched.
I'm troubled that you consider yourself somewhat of a hero by your "kind act" of facilitating infertile couples to create a family, but at the same time are "haunted" and "sick" of "you people" that you helped create trying to bring regulation to such an important issue. Have you considered talking to someone about this? Your response comes across as quite emotionally charged and inconsistent for someone who has destroyed their records and thus has no chance of their children(?) ever contacting them.
I hope you can find peace with your decision to donate, just like I hope to find peace with my parent's decision to use a donor.
I volunteer in the foster care system, lots if family find.
Sometimes I deal with children who are products of 'johns' by mothers with substance abuse problems.
While there is no 'sexual act", you're a prostitute or worst sold your children.
Sure an egg is not an individual, but you were aware of the intent and what your eggs would be used for. The callousness towards your own offspring makes me wonder how your parents view you, as their child?
You may not be a druggie turning tricks for the next high, but you were also desperate for quick money. Or were you? You're smart & educated, you can get a job.
You're a prostitute, and there are no excuses or logical reasoning for your actions.
That sounds harsh. But you're suppose to smart, you're suppose to know better.
Come to peace to what you have done, forgive yourself and when your kids come looking I hope your heart is in better place now.
My knee jerk first reaction when I read this comment by 'PeedOff' was, WOW what a jerk. But after thinking more about it, I feel very sorry for her. She sounds like she was not adequately counseled on all the issues involved with her egg selling. She is obviously troubled by the voices of the 'donor' conceived. There is a very real possibility that she can be tracked down via DNA testing in the future. I also feel very sorry for the intended parent(s) who bought her eggs to create children. Who would want their child to possibly find someone like this woman? Just imagine how she'd respond to them. Just imagine if YOU were one of her 'sold egg' children. This does not sound like informed consent.
"I have since gotten the agency to give me all of my information and I have promptly destroyed it ... I have never told a living soul about this and I never will." The link is very strong, which is why these statements are so emotional. Sperm donors were generally young men when they donated, but many have eventually come to terms with the reality of donating sperm. I am sure you will be able to as well, in due course. I hope so.
Peed off is a liar she's a woman who is raising another woman's child and she wants to show all the donor offspring out there they need not try to find their absent parents because they don't love or care about them.
I've encountered plenty of parents who acted as gamete donors who signed those spiteful contracts not to raise their kids and I'll tell you what - I don't believe for a second that peed off was an egg donor. She's a woman whose terrified the kid she's raising will find out that another woman is their mother and be horrified that the woman raising them paid a fee to keep them away from their own family and erase their identity.
Damian as one of your biggest fans and avid supporters you'd think I would want to sign this petition. But I don't. You'll have to do some convincing my way because I think it's a petition to request more unequal treatment.
I want you and every other person born to have the same rights with regard to your bio parents accountability at birth and I want you and every other person born to have the same accountability for your offspring. I see no reason to make exceptions for some bio parents to be exempted from this responsibility. I find it wretched that some people born don't have the same rights to their parents care and support as others. I find the entire situation to be nothing more than black market adoptions. All the adults agree prior to the birth of a child how they'll conceal the truth and avoid proper accountability for their children. I find the misrecording of of people's identities and parents to be a public health problem.
I just don't see why we can't start a petition to end parental abandonment by gamete donors. You know that there is such a thing as gamete donation without parental abandonment? They do it all the time for research purposes and the agreements specifically prohibit the creation of embryos or offspring and reject the relinquishment of parental obligations and rights to any children that could be born.
I want to see equal treatment and ending anonymity for donors still leaves the offspring of donors abandoned either as gifts or for profit and its just wrong Damian. People need to be accountable personally for the lives they create. I hate to settle on the record for anything less than absolute equality.
Maybe I'm being to idealistic but I think human beings deserve equality nothing short of it.
This is such an emotionally charged subject. I'd like to point out that there are many examples of children created from egg donation that have been so well loved and with parents that handled the donor gift with such grace towards donor etc. e.g. leaving a clause open to donor to make contact when child 18 if both donor and child are okay with it. There are also donor exchange internet sites do children and egg donors can hook up just by using egg donor ID numbers. The whole world scandalised IVF when that first was around too but 30 years on not such a big deal. I agree it should be handled delicately but it's not so black and white. How about a 'compromise' that respects the donors need for anonymity and the child's need to know - getting detailed questionnaire filled out by donor (without identifying information) so that the child knows about donors history, personality, likes, dislikes, and about extended family (along with detailed medical background of donor and her family). We've also put in a clause that our egg donor can meet or contact child when they are 18 but ONLY if donor is okay with it. My husband and I are also providing donor with full phsychological evaluation of us as future parents so she will not suffer with worry down the track. A happy medium can be found (and I prayed to God to give me signs that what i am doing is right choosing egg donor...the answer was a clear yes). We need to provide either anonymous or semi- anonymous options, not just open donation...the reality is egg donation is here to stay just like the pill, condoms, IVF...lets focus on finding a good balance rather than shaming and blaming which gets nowhere. And I think people should stop being nasty to those egg donors of the past...they were giving a gift of life...it's so easy for people to judge...but they gave the gift of life- they deserve our respect not punishment.
Nobody is shaming egg donors- but there are real risks tot he procedure which have not been explored.Anonymity for whom? If donor recipient wants anonymity but the donor conceived person wants access, then what? You're viewing it from the perspective of the donor recipient who DOESN'T get to determine the donor conceived person's rights to their OWN heritage, history and medical data?
10 comments:
When I was in college in California I did three treatments and donated my eggs which were successfully retrieved each time. My goal then and I still stand by it is that I helped three different couples start their families. Read my lips I am not a mother but an egg donor who gave life. There simply is no need for anyone to get to know me and my family. Luckily I moved back to my homeland after college and no one back home ever knew what I did. I am sick of you people trying to make donors establishing relationships with strangers who should be supportive of their families. I have since gotten the agency to give me all of my information and I have promptly destroyed it as I was able to request this six years after my donation ended. I have never told a living soul about this and I never will. Now to be fair to all when I asked for the files I updated the medical files fully so there can be no lingering questions later. I do not want to know the children if they request this at a later date. They belong with their families and I belong with mine. And let me anticipate your smart alecky answer, no they are not my children and never will be. And let me further state there is no longing need in my soul to know the children or their families. Who would have thought a kind act to help infertile couples would come back to haunt me later on.
PeedOff, it's true that when donations began, they were just donations, but now they are grown up people who are curious about their heritage. And to think that all donors feel the same way you do on this subject is a little far fetched.
I'm troubled that you consider yourself somewhat of a hero by your "kind act" of facilitating infertile couples to create a family, but at the same time are "haunted" and "sick" of "you people" that you helped create trying to bring regulation to such an important issue. Have you considered talking to someone about this? Your response comes across as quite emotionally charged and inconsistent for someone who has destroyed their records and thus has no chance of their children(?) ever contacting them.
I hope you can find peace with your decision to donate, just like I hope to find peace with my parent's decision to use a donor.
I volunteer in the foster care system, lots if family find.
Sometimes I deal with children who are products of 'johns' by mothers with substance abuse problems.
While there is no 'sexual act", you're a prostitute or worst sold your children.
Sure an egg is not an individual, but you were aware of the intent and what your eggs would be used for. The callousness towards your own offspring makes me wonder how your parents view you, as their child?
You may not be a druggie turning tricks for the next high, but you were also desperate for quick money. Or were you? You're smart & educated, you can get a job.
You're a prostitute, and there are no excuses or logical reasoning for your actions.
That sounds harsh. But you're suppose to smart, you're suppose to know better.
Come to peace to what you have done, forgive yourself and when your kids come looking I hope your heart is in better place now.
My knee jerk first reaction when I read this comment by 'PeedOff' was, WOW what a jerk. But after thinking more about it, I feel very sorry for her. She sounds like she was not adequately counseled on all the issues involved with her egg selling. She is obviously troubled by the voices of the 'donor' conceived. There is a very real possibility that she can be tracked down via DNA testing in the future. I also feel very sorry for the intended parent(s) who bought her eggs to create children. Who would want their child to possibly find someone like this woman? Just imagine how she'd respond to them. Just imagine if YOU were one of her 'sold egg' children. This does not sound like informed consent.
"I have since gotten the agency to give me all of my information and I have promptly destroyed it ... I have never told a living soul about this and I never will."
The link is very strong, which is why these statements are so emotional. Sperm donors were generally young men when they donated, but many have eventually come to terms with the reality of donating sperm. I am sure you will be able to as well, in due course. I hope so.
Peed off is a liar she's a woman who is raising another woman's child and she wants to show all the donor offspring out there they need not try to find their absent parents because they don't love or care about them.
I've encountered plenty of parents who acted as gamete donors who signed those spiteful contracts not to raise their kids and I'll tell you what - I don't believe for a second that peed off was an egg donor. She's a woman whose terrified the kid she's raising will find out that another woman is their mother and be horrified that the woman raising them paid a fee to keep them away from their own family and erase their identity.
Liar. She's just a liar.
Damian as one of your biggest fans and avid supporters you'd think I would want to sign this petition. But I don't. You'll have to do some convincing my way because I think it's a petition to request more unequal treatment.
I want you and every other person born to have the same rights with regard to your bio parents accountability at birth and I want you and every other person born to have the same accountability for your offspring. I see no reason to make exceptions for some bio parents to be exempted from this responsibility. I find it wretched that some people born don't have the same rights to their parents care and support as others. I find the entire situation to be nothing more than black market adoptions. All the adults agree prior to the birth of a child how they'll conceal the truth and avoid proper accountability for their children. I find the misrecording of of people's identities and parents to be a public health problem.
I just don't see why we can't start a petition to end parental abandonment by gamete donors. You know that there is such a thing as gamete donation without parental abandonment? They do it all the time for research purposes and the agreements specifically prohibit the creation of embryos or offspring and reject the relinquishment of parental obligations and rights to any children that could be born.
I want to see equal treatment and ending anonymity for donors still leaves the offspring of donors abandoned either as gifts or for profit and its just wrong Damian. People need to be accountable personally for the lives they create. I hate to settle on the record for anything less than absolute equality.
Maybe I'm being to idealistic but I think human beings deserve equality nothing short of it.
Yes, but we have to start somewhere
This is such an emotionally charged subject. I'd like to point out that there are many examples of children created from egg donation that have been so well loved and with parents that handled the donor gift with such grace towards donor etc. e.g. leaving a clause open to donor to make contact when child 18 if both donor and child are okay with it. There are also donor exchange internet sites do children and egg donors can hook up just by using egg donor ID numbers. The whole world scandalised IVF when that first was around too but 30 years on not such a big deal. I agree it should be handled delicately but it's not so black and white. How about a 'compromise' that respects the donors need for anonymity and the child's need to know - getting detailed questionnaire filled out by donor (without identifying information) so that the child knows about donors history, personality, likes, dislikes, and about extended family (along with detailed medical background of donor and her family). We've also put in a clause that our egg donor can meet or contact child when they are 18 but ONLY if donor is okay with it. My husband and I are also providing donor with full phsychological evaluation of us as future parents so she will not suffer with worry down the track. A happy medium can be found (and I prayed to God to give me signs that what i am doing is right choosing egg donor...the answer was a clear yes). We need to provide either anonymous or semi- anonymous options, not just open donation...the reality is egg donation is here to stay just like the pill, condoms, IVF...lets focus on finding a good balance rather than shaming and blaming which gets nowhere. And I think people should stop being nasty to those egg donors of the past...they were giving a gift of life...it's so easy for people to judge...but they gave the gift of life- they deserve our respect not punishment.
@BS
Nobody is shaming egg donors- but there are real risks tot he procedure which have not been explored.Anonymity for whom? If donor recipient wants anonymity but the donor conceived person wants access, then what? You're viewing it from the perspective of the donor recipient who DOESN'T get to determine the donor conceived person's rights to their OWN heritage, history and medical data?
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