That I am donor conceived and have two fathers?
That the man I do not know who I am descended from will never be known to them. That they will never know their "grandfather" and other members of his and therefore their family.
It is hard enough explaining to adults that the man I call dad is not my father, but trying to explain it to a 3 year old is another kettle of fish. Now 3 year olds are generally pretty smart and have already worked out a lot of things in the world.
She knows that Mummy's Mummy is Grandma and Mummy's Daddy is Poppa. She also knows that Daddy's Mummy is Nanna, and although we've never said it she knows that the man associated with Nanna who she calls Pa is not Daddy's Daddy. As she has specifically asked me who and where my Daddy is.
First it breaks my heart that the man who raised me passed away when I was 10 and that I cannot take her to meet him. I have not even begun to try and explain life and death yet. All she knows is that the man in the photo is my Daddy. But this will not last long as she is in the period of "why?" in her life - everything is "why?".
She is also very switched on in regards to inheritance. She has the same hair and skin as Daddy but the same eyes as Mummy. It wont take her long before she realises that Daddy does not look anything like the man in the photo and that he also does not have the same hair, skin and eyes as Nanna. She will want answers to questions. Then I will have to try and explain why I have two Daddy's, both of whom she will never be able to know. This will also not fit into her picture of the family unit, after all she sees that all of her friends have one Daddy and one Mummy - so how can her Daddy have two? She wants her grandfather, but I cannot give her one. Sure I can give her the man who raised me through the way he raised me and the values he instilled in me but she has no tangible link to him as they are not biologically related.
My children will not be able to fill out family trees at school or know from which country they are descended from. They will not know what inheritable diseases affect their father's side. Even their name does not match the blood they have.
It is bad enough that this has happened to me but seeing that it already affects my own children breaks my heart even further.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
How We Tell The Offspring
The way children are currently told ties in with existential debt and the need for feeling grateful about being alive and conceived in this manner.
The current trend in informing offspring of their conception origins is that the child is made to feel as though this was a special thing, that they as a result are special, that the mum and dad went to extraordinary lengths to have them and that some person gave them an enormous gift.
While some of these factors are true, by presenting it in this fashion it already imposes a mode of thought on behalf of the child. The mode that they should be happy or proud about their origins and that they already are indebted. They are now burdened with an existential debt and are required to feel grateful. Because as the proponents of DC and in particlular those that support anonymity state that to not approve of your own conception and not express gratitude is to deny your own existence. This is one of the worst examples of the ends justifying the means I've ever seen.
By informing children this way, it does not allow them to fully explore their own thoughts and feelings on the matter. They do not have to feel happy about the way they were conceived at all and the fact that they may never know their blood relations and find out who they are themselves.
They have had someone decide on their behalf before they were even conceived which biological connection will be important to them and which one can be simply disposed of. It is a perfectly natural human emotion to be angry or upset over this.
Yet they are not allowed to explore these emotions because it may be upsetting to mum and dad while at the same time contradicting the notion of them having to be grateful.
Certainly it is far better to inform the offspring of their origins and allow them to explore their own emotions on the situation and support them in every way. It does not mean that they do not love their parents any less.
It also does not necessarily mean that all offspring will feel this way, some may still be very happy with their conception. It just means that we should not be conditioning the children to believe that there is only one way in which they should feel.
I used to feel grateful for my existence and even proud of being donor conceived. But now that my own children have opened my eyes, my mind and my heart to what was missing from my own life was I able to truly see what my origins had deprived me. Nothing can fix the sorrow I feel for my own loss and the loss experienced by other donor conceived children.
The current trend in informing offspring of their conception origins is that the child is made to feel as though this was a special thing, that they as a result are special, that the mum and dad went to extraordinary lengths to have them and that some person gave them an enormous gift.
While some of these factors are true, by presenting it in this fashion it already imposes a mode of thought on behalf of the child. The mode that they should be happy or proud about their origins and that they already are indebted. They are now burdened with an existential debt and are required to feel grateful. Because as the proponents of DC and in particlular those that support anonymity state that to not approve of your own conception and not express gratitude is to deny your own existence. This is one of the worst examples of the ends justifying the means I've ever seen.
By informing children this way, it does not allow them to fully explore their own thoughts and feelings on the matter. They do not have to feel happy about the way they were conceived at all and the fact that they may never know their blood relations and find out who they are themselves.
They have had someone decide on their behalf before they were even conceived which biological connection will be important to them and which one can be simply disposed of. It is a perfectly natural human emotion to be angry or upset over this.
Yet they are not allowed to explore these emotions because it may be upsetting to mum and dad while at the same time contradicting the notion of them having to be grateful.
Certainly it is far better to inform the offspring of their origins and allow them to explore their own emotions on the situation and support them in every way. It does not mean that they do not love their parents any less.
It also does not necessarily mean that all offspring will feel this way, some may still be very happy with their conception. It just means that we should not be conditioning the children to believe that there is only one way in which they should feel.
I used to feel grateful for my existence and even proud of being donor conceived. But now that my own children have opened my eyes, my mind and my heart to what was missing from my own life was I able to truly see what my origins had deprived me. Nothing can fix the sorrow I feel for my own loss and the loss experienced by other donor conceived children.
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